G asked me how my summer was? and she said she has some "News" to tell me. Now that she already has three kids and I also mentioned we are in our mid lives so I thought having another kid is out of the question? But she always loved kids! (I do too!)I thought you never know. I immediately stopped talking and asked her to spill her beans. Surprises kill me! I get indigestion, I cant breathe........I really cant. So she bombed me with the news. I was shocked, surprised, confused and all those kinds of adjectives.
We all have different kinds of friend circle groups, with some Friends you just talk normal, with some you cook together with some you go for movies and with some you really talk about your problems! Those are the ones who you trust with your lives. This is our group of 4 European Women and the fifth one is yours truly, an Indian. Me and G were talking why and how these things happen more in the west then in the east. I am still struggling to find out that answer, its sad and overwhelming, but that's the truth.
G spilled the beans, she said out of 5 of us mine marriage was going well but all four of them has fallen apart or are having problems, I started freaking out and I was not even able to summarise the situation. Out of 4 two I knew but G and A, I was totally shocked. Now I had tears in my eyes, I didn't know what to say or do! Its so sad and heartbreaking to see couples and families breaking up especially after a period of more than 20 years.
Everyone has a different prospective why marriages fell apart, especially here in Europe in the mid lives of the couples. She thought in an Indian or an Asian culture its easy. But to the contrary I don't think marriages or relationships are easy anywhere. But I think its different. First of all I think the society plays a big role in such things. You just or you cant walk out of a marriage because you are bored, or you think you are getting old and a young partner might make you feel younger, etc. etc. Contrary to Europe when you walk out of your family and your marriage people are bound to question you and I think the social structure is like that, you just don't do things like that. That does not mean that separation or divorcees don't happen there. They do, but to my notice for a very genuine problem.
I think every decade or so, you change your spouce changes, your family changes, your needs change your kids grow up, you are in your mid lives, or over 40. I think this over 40s thing or this mid life crises is so over rated! I think every phase of your life has different challenges. I remember when the girls were 2 and 5, every afternoon after coming home from the playground they use to have sand in their pockets from the sand pit. I used to complain Mrs. Becker (my neighbour) that every afternoon I have to vacuum, she said Ity, its easier to vacuum, but when you grow old or your kids grow older there might be some problems which you wish to solve, but its not so easy and then you will think, vacuuming was so much easier! Trust me I know how that felt, and now I love vacuuming :) Now you see again I went away from the topic but this vacumm thing had to be said.
The key answer or rather a solution which I think is COMMUNICATION! So you have to keep on communicate with each other, what you want from each other, other then just expecting it. No matter what age you are in, every now and then a heart to heart talk is much needed between the couples. You should always be on the same page and if you don't get much time in the weekdays then use today's fantastic medium of mails, facebook messages and whats app. Bottom line is to keep connected. Sometimes me and R exchange a dozen mails a day! I am not saying every day but when it needs to be and Yes! he works too, not just forcefully answer my mails. But I have made him very much a talkative kind of a guy. When I am working and come home, now without even asking he tells me what all he did and I love to know how his day went and the girls over dinner or a cup of tee. Is life not all about these little things!
I had a chance to meet G`s husband C on my Diwali party, which I thought was strange that he came. But he loves Indian food, and he wanted to see us. I took a class with him and that too on the occasion of Diwali. I started instead of hello! What the hell are you doing C? I happen to think I have some sort of prospective in these matters and trust me, me and R had our portion of issues and challenges. One very important thing which you have to have clear in your had is! Do you really want to make it work. For me, marrigae is for life and this is the only one I have and I refuse to live a miserable life. I got a life and its beautiful, challenging at times, but look at it this way, its never boring! Another thing which I always stick to again it is COMMUNICATION! If you don't convey to each other what you want, like or expect or feel then the other person especially a Man does not know what to do and sometimes it becomes too late to contain the situation. We are always thinking in our mind what if and what if but no I think if you want something, then tell very clearly. It is the hardest thing to do, but it is so worth it and there are always these little things which you want from each other. If I want pink roses from R, then I tell him clearly I would like Pink roses. Men understand that! and we should respect that. I guess some of you would have read the book about men and women, the mars and the Venus one. So many things are true in that. We are just very different people. If you understand that then why not apply it.
My tip to G was to spend some time with C, don't always try to talk at home. Do this 20 Dollar weekend thing I wrote earlier in my post too. First of all get dressed nicely, take the public transport, go to the city, sit in a nice restaurant......out on a busy street where in you can see happy people, kids, friends, young people, who are happy and in love with life. These happy pictures will remind you what you still have and are about to screw it up. AND THEN TALK! I have noticed at least for us, its always better to talk in a nice Restaurant, there is something about the ambiance and the atmosphere which really works. Its almost therapeutic! try it and you will know it! Don't go to the chain restaurants, go to little small cafes, which are simple, perfect in their own way and very special and personal like you and your spouse are. You are worth it!
I still thought and still do there is hope for G and C. I know them for more than 15 years. I like to make things then break them, I think its so much fun to recycle, treasure and pep up relationships then to move on to the next one. Then again I think people choose to take the easier way out. But what I fail to understand is that, if you cannot untangle the problems or the challenges of the present relationship how can you think that you will be successful in a new one.
We all love our families, parents, kids spouses, friends etc. But every now and then a time will come where in we all will have arguments, clashes, difference of opinion. This is the time to talk and agree to disagree on some of the things. I always tell my girls, I love them loads but this is some behaviour or habit of theirs I don't like. If its like T leaving her socks under her bed always then she will have to learn to fix it but if every now and then she has to shower even if its 23.00 then I will have to deal with it because she is getting up at 6.00 for school in time and I don't have to put her to bed anymore, and she is night person to work. So we agree to disagree on this and move on. My family has learnt to deal with my obsession of buying handbags at the fleah marktes although they don't like it. But it makes me happy and its not coming in their ways, so they agree to disagree on my obsession of hand bags but seriously I am trying to work on this.
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